Thursday, January 16, 2014

Woman's Body Language And How To Decode It

Body language can say so much more than words. And this is never truer than when it comes to women. We have become masters at disguising the true meaning of our words and expressing them instead with our body language and stares. However, more often than not, men don't get the hint and before they know it, they have awoken that terrifying wrath that lives within every woman. All because he thought that when his wife said she didn't need help bathing the kids, cooking dinner and setting the table all at once while he was watching sports, she really meant it.

If more guys knew what their wives / girlfriends really mean when they say something, it might just save them an argument or two. All  that guys need to do is memorize some general rules so they learn to identify when they are on the verge of unleashing their partners' fury. For example:

1. You ask if it's okay that you go to poker night with your buddies for the tenth time that month. Your wife says "Fine".

Rule 1: If she says "fine" like it's four syllables instead of one, it's most definitely NOT fine.
Rule 2: If she only half-smiled, or rolled her eyes, or gave you a blank stare while saying "fine", don't you dare leave the house.

2. You make an "innocent" joke about your girlfriend in front of your friends (or worse: your family!). She smiles.

Rule: If she smiled, but didn't actually laugh, you are in major, major trouble. 
Rule 2: If she didn't look at you for the next minute or so after the joke, you can be sure you'll be sleeping on the couch that night.
Rule 3: Hell, if the joke was in front of your family, forget the previous rules. You are in big trouble regardless, you poor, poor man!  (Sean learned this one the hard way!)

3. She is talking to you while you are doing something else. Suddenly she realizes it, and stops.

Rule: She is not being considerate, you moron! She is counting to ten, trying not to murder you on the spot for not paying attention to her. Stop whatever you are doing immediately, look her in the eye and express time and time again how interested you are in whatever it is that she is saying. Try and repeat some of the words she said, to make it more believable. If she walks away, follow her or you are a dead man. 

4. You made some constructive criticism to her cooking/singing/dancing/insert-verb-here skills.  She didn't seem to mind because she didn't say anything.

Rule: Make no mistake: silence is NEVER a good sign coming from women! we love to talk! What it means is that she is taking her time gathering a plethora of arguments against you. Take immediate action: the longer you leave her, the more arguments she will have to prosecute you, and you will never (trust me!) hear the end of it. So start apologizing and complimenting her excessively (make it believable, otherwise this is counterproductive!). 

5. She seems a little off, so you ask if everything is ok, and she says "yes".

Rule 1: If she said "yes" while not looking at you, it means "no".
Rule 2: If her"yes" was rather annoyed, it clearly means "no".
Rule 3: If it took her more than three seconds to say "yes", it means "no".
Rule 4: If instead of "yes" she snaps "why wouldn't I be?" that means "Are you serious!? you have some nerve asking me that! you should know full well that no, I am not ok, and you won't be in a while either!".

6. Your very loud, Edward-fortyhands-playing friend has invited you two over to his, let's say, interesting home. You ask your girlfriend if that sounds good and she replies with "If you want to..."

Rule: If it wasn't a very enthusiastic "if you want to..." then she doesn't. 
Rule 2: If she did want to, she would add something like "absolutely, if you want to!", or "sure, if you want to!" or an equivalent. Not a plain "if you want to...".  (Still hoping Sean will learn this one... maybe after reading this post?). 

Conclusion: Guys should probably learn a bit more about body language. Girls need to learn that men are literal creatures, and will take their words at face value. So, coming from someone who has had one too many fights over miscommunication issues, maybe next time you will just want to say "No" flat out, instead of expecting him to get it from your death stare... and he might want to learn that no, it's not ok to tell his mom all your "funny" anecdotes that time you had one too many vodka cruisers.

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